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How to Breed as a Hypebeast OR How I Learned to Let Go of Self Respect and Get Rich Quick

Around here, you might be thinking, "Hey- this real breeding stuff seems like a lot of time and hard work. Testing? Not releasing every generation of work? How am I gonna get fat stacks for my SUPER HEADY glass and $200 nose hair trimmer this way?" But let me tell you: honesty and hard work isn't the only way! If Matt Riot was properly full of enough bullshit, he would stand at 6 feet tall and have a Scrooge McDuck swimming pool.

Let's get down to business. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but a flower stealing a sweet name will sell 10x better - branding is EVERYTHING. Your clients don't know shit - and if they did, they'd go to a real breeder. Your job as a hypebeast shitlord is to prey on the 98% of ignorant kiddos who don't give a shit about names and looks. So that's what you fuckin' need. Names, looks, and a COOL FUCKING LOGO.

Step 1 - Branding: Your self branding can be anything as long as you push it. There are successful Meme Clowns, Gay Castros, Tigers, Sharks, Fake Rappers, and Tiny, Wrinkly Dogs with Smashed in Faces. The key is to constantly talk about how much you don't care about what people think and that you're not interested in fame while incessantly vying for attention, starting fake beefs, and never giving other people credit for any part of your work. Repeat this type of shitposting ad nauseum until you have a rabid follower base full of the exact type of jabronis who eat that shit up. After a certain point, reel it back a bit and act like a victim whenever you're criticized - this makes you seem more sympathetic. Your rabid followers will then do the attacks and shitposts for you.

Step 2 - Genetics: So obviously we're going to pollen chuck at hyped or elite clones (note: good providence matters not, get that shit from a nursery or just rename a Blue Dream S1 - actually, fucking always rename Blue Dream S1s) and recently released hype lines. No effort necessary, no thought necessary - but if you need any help on this front, feel free to look at the stable of Tiger Trees females used. If it's not OG, Chem, or Cookies in some variety, we don't fucking use it. They have the female selection ON LOCK. But now for a male - clearly we're going to select from a single pack of seeds and later claim the selection was made amongst a population of 50 or more. How do we pick, though? There's a few great options to go through.

  1.  Cookies bagseed. If you don't have cookies bagseed and you want to keep it under $100 along with low quality, feel free to buy from the smashface dog or the BDSM dungeon master of mids. Don't forget to rename and give no credit. For a slightly higher price, feel free to knockoff the work right here: you don't even have to leave this site to buy some seeds to knock off. Cookieberry Diesel is a bit over-stolen at this point, so try any of Matt's other cookies work. Plenty to steal.
  2. StarDawg.
  3. Rename a Yeti OG or some Underdog OG Bagseed. Maybe call it Joseph?
  4. Karma's Headbanger or Headstash - people are fucking LOVING to chuck with this lately because Karma is a great dude with great work. These lines breed so well that you might look like you're not a total asshat. However, you should feel really bad if you choose this option. Karma is a nice guy. But, yknow. Remember. You're a hypbeast pollen chucker - you don't feel bad for shit.
  5. Any combination of Cookies, OG, and/or Urkle (bonus points for the mids masters lovin that GDP). Simple enough. Note, however, the next 2 options are for EXTREME hypemasters who are ahead of the curve.
  6. Fake-ass Piff. Take any haze and call it Piff, chuck with it. Claim your random Haze cross is a unique Piff pheno. Or, fuck it, just take Matt's Clockwork Piff, select towards Clockwork phenos, and see that it DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. People are getting increasingly rabid for Piff, and they'll accept lies. The higher you price your lies, the more buyers' remorse will set in.
  7. Buy some good skunky shit - Duke's lines and Riot's lines both will have people drooling with hype. But they can't smell instagram pictures, can they? Just buy some Skunk#1 seeds from a Spanish bank on the cheap and lie through your teeth. Buyers' remorse will ensure that they smell the roadkill in your $250 boofpack.

Step 3 - Packaging and Naming: Desserts, natural disasters, -breath, everything is an OG, or just read some words from the back of an essential oils package. Bam. I just solved the name game for you. Next. Packaging? Aficionado Seeds and Symbiotic have this shit down to a T. Do some shit like that and sell for $250-750 and people won't even notice that you're a no-skill pollen chicken. You're a goddamn hype wizard and you have fancy fucking boxes.

Step 4 - Occasionally Growing Your Own Shit: Once in a while, grow 100+ (or get someone else to) of your own seeds. Find the one or two phenos that aren't boof or just photograph well and SPAM THE FUCK out of them on your Instagram feed. Maybe even make a "RULE OF THE MIDS" and pass the clone around for free until you ask for money later? That's pretty genius.

Step 5  - Roll in Money

Step 6 - Repeat Until Your Business Dies, then Rebrand and Start Over

 

Hope ya'll liked this guide. Let me know if you have any questions.

i need to figure out how to make this a sticky. and then print one out and frame it

@Riot I made it a sticky for you, which apparently I can do haha. You just press the button that says "Sticky". I can't help you with printing and framing shit though

Sounds about right!